{Suggested tune: Dandy Warhols' Good Morning}
I am a thinker. I love to ponder, question and discuss. And I especially love bursts of insight -- I got one today. I reflected on how ‘off’ I felt this week. My heart was heavy. I felt wobbly, the opposite of grounded, as if I stood in the middle of a teeter-totter. A good friend had told me a close family member had only months to live -- cancer. Another good friend had two dogs that were very close to her, die. My heart ached for their sadness and loss. A thief broke into my Honda and destroyed the locks, ignition and steering column in attempt to steal it. It is only a car, but it irked me to know a goofball rummaged around in my stuff. A few days ago, I got involved in a Facebook discussion about tail docking and watched a YouTube video of a veterinarian who docked the tail of a two day old rottweiler. No anesthetic. Just a pair of scissors. The wee pup wailed. And this morning, I watched a beautiful, yet disturbing video clip about the destruction of our planet Earth, including the land, people and animals. Why is it that some people do not understand how their actions affect others? Or even worse, that people do understand but simply do not care? Was I feeling unbalanced due to an uncontrollable world and therefore more deeply affected by sadness, cruelty and thoughtless actions of others? Or that the sadness, cruelty and thoughtless actions of others affected me so deeply that I then felt unbalanced in this uncontrollable world? I have learned that it is best to sit with negative emotions and not numb them out (pint of beer, anyone?). I actually get excited because I know that if I am open to clarity, it comes. Yesterday, a stranger sparked my insight. As I walked back to my car, a man opened his driver side door and I heard it hit the passenger door of my rental car. “Hey, what are you doing?” I asked. “What?” he said. “You hit my car,” I said. He ignored me and leaned back in his car. When he got out, he hit my car again. “Hey! Can you stop hitting my car?” I said. “What’s the problem? Is there anything there?” he said as he pointed at my door. I looked. No, there was no mark. “Seriously, don't you care about anybody but yourself?” I asked. He closed his door and walked past within a foot of me, without eye contact. “So what. Take my plate number down and call ICBC then,” he said, as calm as if he answered to “do you have the time?” I walked up to him as he waited in line to buy a parking ticket from the meter. “Hey, I just want to know why you think it’s okay to hit another vehicle? Do you not have any respect for other people’s valuable property?” I asked. No response. No eye contact. I did not exist. “Hello?” I asked. Nothing. I was surprised he didn’t wave me off like a pesky mosquito. "Huh. Have a nice dayyyyyy,” I said. You selfish piece of shit. I drove home, fast. Gas. Brake. Gas. Brake. I strangled the steering wheel with both hands. I swore at the guy tail-gating behind me. And I sure as hell didn’t let that merging Toyota Prius into my lane. When I got home, I actually looked up the definition of selfish -- “concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.” Yep, that’s him alright. I rarely get mad. Why was I letting this stranger get to me? He doesn’t care that I’m angry. This was only hurting me. Why couldn’t I let this go? At the beginning of this project, I felt selfish. But I understood now that I was not. I did not fit the definition. Well, maybe the first part – concerned with one’s own interests – but this is not regardless of others, but for others. I believe that if you love and fulfill yourself first, you then have an abundance of love that you easily give. So, why was I so mad? Underneath anger is hurt. A sore spot had been hit. If somebody called me stupid, it would not hurt me because it is not a sore spot for me. You might as well call me a purple duck. No reaction. But treat me like I’m worthless? Yuk. That hurts. I create my own worth, I know that. Normally, I do. But I was already wobbly, a bit raw. So I got angry easily because he disregarded my car, and then me. A sore spot. Pesky mosquito. This all started to make sense. I believed in gratitude. But this week, my gratitude evaporated if I thought about others less fortunate. How can I be grateful for pretty little streams when every child doesn’t have clean drinking water? How can I be grateful for the freedom to run on the seawall when young kids are kidnapped and forced to fight as soldiers? Who am I to be given such precious gifts? What about the rest of the world? It was like the gifts of Stanley Park were too big. I could not accept them. I feel indebted. I was not worthy of them when others couldn't have them too. It seemed silly when I wrote it out. Gratitude is being thankful for what you have because there ARE people without safe drinking water. But beliefs are weird like that. They don’t make sense on an intellectual level. Intellectually, I think I’m awesome. In fact, I rock! Yet, underneath, beliefs can be strong. But vulnerability and unworthiness do not make me sad. In fact, quite the opposite. This insight was like stumbling upon the hard-to-find piece of the jigsaw puzzle. I got excited. It even made me giggle when I visualized a pesky mosquito. Vulnerability? Unworthiness? Is THAT what that was all about? A-ha! Okay then, cool, let’s name it, talk about it and get into it. Nature gives freely, without expecting anything back in return. Why not practice acceptance then? Then practice gratitude... and gratitude leads to joy. I loved this. My thoughts and understanding will evolve but for this next week, here goes … I will practice feeling negative emotions and then letting them go. I will practice accepting gifts from nature. Then I will practice gratitude for these gifts. My teeter-totter stopped wobbling and my feet were even more grounded as the fulcrum. My heart felt light and open again. And I thought I was going to write a simple, little blog about a park. Photo by cho45 Comments are closed.
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