I open my first floor apartment door one inch. Hallways empty. Elevator quiet. I skip exactly six steps to the building’s front door in my wrinkled fleece pajamas. Through the glass door, I see my Saturday breakfast in the far corner.
Damn delivery driver.
I swing open the door and when it scrapes to a halt on the uneven concrete, I curl around it like a pole dancer, my bare right foot landing on the last millimeter of dry concrete. My fingertips cling to the door handle – a little lock-out dare -- and I stretch out my right hand as if I was auditioning for an adventure film.
I recoil like a vacuum cord and slam into bed.
My cranberry-raspberry herbal tea is on my nightstand. My playlist is "Morning Shuffle" and volume level is set at two. My 85 pound Rottweiler is stretched alongside me. "Monty, I am ready for my feast."
I snap off the elastic that holds my breakfast together. I fling the grocery and drug store flyers aside like a used teabag. I flip through Canadian Tire and rip out the eight-piece glass container set with red lids for 60% off. I chuckle at The Bay's re-launch of the original K-Way jacket. My mouth waters at the Rachel Roy salmon-coloured swing skirt.
I thumb through my main meal and pick out the Sports and Classifieds like soggy mushrooms in an omelet.
I slurp through Section A’s articles on cycling risks and Vancouver Police’s enforcement of sex workers. Pete McMartin interviews a local cyclist who passes a commuting milestone of 50,000 kilometers. And I savor Douglas Todd’s feature, A Question of Luck. “If you can figure out what luck is, you can basically explain the nature of the universe,” he writes (and no, he doesn’t).
I sniff around the display ads. Who knows what you'll need when you're hungry later? Retirement sale at Ata Rug Gallery. Air Canada deals to Asia. Buddy Holly play at the Arts Club. Academy of Pathologists at the Vancouver Convention Centre.
I sample other tidbits I wouldn't stop to taste on the internet's fast food menu. No doctors left in British Columbia's northern communities. Closing of Vancouver’s Playhouse. Scientists aiming to popularize Canada’s double-named paw paw fruit.
Section B throws my tastebuds across the country and around the world. Montreal’s annual anti-police brutality march. Catholic Church recruiting Spain's unemployed. India’s sex workers get their own bank. I pucker at the sourness of the feature on Joseph Kony, Uganda’s leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army. And I lick my lips at the juiciness of the interview with neuroeconomist Paul Zak about his new book, The Moral Molecule, of how genes and chemicals affect social organization such as why do we trust strangers. Yum!
Section C, Travel, is dessert that has arrived too soon and I gently place it on my pillow, along with Section D, Arts & Life.
I debate the deliciousness of Section E like a food critic. I disagree with three of the four Letters to the Editor. But agree with the guest columnist who writes on how to raise cyber-children safely in Issues & Ideas. I want to be the chef here one day too. I add more salt to my meal with Quotable Quotes: “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” – Peter Drucker. And enjoy the enhanced flavour of Books on page E6, including four book reviews and the Top 10 fiction and non-fiction. When my stomach growls at the library later, this will help.
I smile at the hidden treat in the Business section -- all about the Irish economy. And pick through the listings on the Weather Page -- 8 degrees and rain in Dublin, and yowza, 36 in Bangkok! The New York Times crossword is like a pomegranate, too difficult to bother. And Bridge? I have no idea how to peel it or eat it so ignore it.
I reach for the palate cleansing Arts & Life. Movie reviews (Salmon Fishing in the Yemen). Vlogger foodies. Music reviews (Plants and Animals). Gallery openings. Recipes. Free workshops. Movie listings at the Vancity International Film Centre. Rip! Rip! Rip! I have leftovers for the entire week now. As a word nerd, I surprise even myself by refusing to taste the easy crossword puzzles, like a meat-lover asking, “who wants my bacon?”
I finish by sipping the Aquarius Horoscope, “Make changes that best suit you and the direction you are trying to pursue. Make choices that will help you improve instead of setting you back.” Nice.
I sip my tea before I say yes to dessert.
Today’s feature in Travel? Beijing and Shanghai. More vanilla ice cream than chocolate rum ball , but I still enjoy it. I analyze the structure. I wonder at the word choices. I study the sidebar layout. I imagine life in the photos. I scan the airfares. I want to be the pastry chef here too, one day. I then uncover another treasure, like dimes wrapped in wax paper in a 1970's birthday cake: Old, Wild Ireland Still Found on the Islands. Yes!
I skip licking the plate clean. Does anybody still read the TV Times?
After two hours, I push my scraps away, stretch and sigh as my arms collapse to my side.
And Monty snuggles closer.
© 2012 Michelle Sevigny. www.michellesevigny.com. Reprint permission granted with full copyright intact.
Photo by Hitchster